Regulate, regulate, regulate

 

I know my parents did their best to raise me and I have turned out pretty good if I say so myself.  What I have learned from the trauma informed approach is that I was never a cry baby as I was labeled as a child.  I was crying out to be regulated emotionally by my parents and my needs were not always met.  Any infant/toddler has to rely on their parents to meet their every need.  One of my favorite memories from childhood when was I would crawl in between my parents to sleep and my dad would just shower me with kisses then rest his rough cheek on mine.  He would always ask how the beard felt against my face-the prickly short hairs never bothered me. 

Regulation is key for balance and to stay in tune with yourself.  Taking a wholistic approach has shown that the following are helpful to engage in on a regular basis:

·             Physical activity

Rhythmic movement provides that same regulation that the heart beat provided when you were in your mother’s womb.  This can include walking, dancing, and listening to music. 

·             Connection

This means going beyond exchanging texts and emails.  This means being fully present with everyone and especially love ones and like minded people.  Make time to connect regularly with your “soul” people. 

·             Time

Take however long needed to feel your feelings.  Also to process situations with others, it’s your timeline not theirs that should be followed.  When you are ready and feel safe, then you can decide whether you will respond and how.

Trauma-informed care

 

It’s wonderful that there’s a larger conversation happening on trauma.  The recent book, What happened to you? By Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey, explores a trauma informed approach and describes specifically how our brain develops and is impacted by trauma.  For me, it’s encouraging because it allows people to see beyond how people might show up and it challenges us all to think about what happened and how they learn how to love, specifically as opposed to reacting to our perceptions of how people show up. 

We have to be better than giving people what they give to us.  It’s like a game of hot potato, everyone keeps passing on feelings until it lands on someone.  This cycle just plays out over and over again without no one moving forward and everyone just feeling stuck.  This is where burn out and frustration stall relationships on both sides. 

If you take the approach that everyone suffers from trauma and wonder what their trauma story is then you begin on the path of NOT making it about you.  You will be able to practice not taking things personally and focus on getting to know what is going on for the other person.  This allows success in building a supportive and forward moving working relationship.  The type that sets up a win-win situation for both parties. 

Feeling safe?

 

I speak of feeing safe and unsafe often.  I struggle myself with feeling safe when I know I am in a hostile environment.  Hostile environments are filled with emotional violence, assumptions, bias.  Most of the time there Is an unawareness of any of these perspectives being present.  The fear displayed drives some people to dominant the conversation, others to push their individual agendas and for some to take a small, narrow worldview. 

How do we push through when all of this is happening? Day to day we are always assessing how safe each minute, each interaction, each setting is for us.  As a person of color, I have to decide whether I am going to fully commit to getting involved or completely engage when I feel there is not a space for me at the table.  Overall, I do my best to contribute in the most productive way I can in the moment. 

Individually we all must commit to ensuring that everyone is welcomed and feels safe.  When you feel safe, there is a confidence and security.  You are assured and are in a great mindset to even advocate for the good of all.  The most important part is to check in and check ourselves.    We must all practice self-awareness and self-reflect in order to make room for everyone at the table.  I know for sure I don’t enjoy these experiences so I want to reduce the chance that it happens to others.  It all starts with us as individuals and how we contribute to the space.

Where is the Love?

 

Love is so powerful and yet LOVE is not well defined.  Everyone has their perspective not only how they love but also how they want to be loved.  Naturally, we have been taught from our life long relationships and from modeling our parents, the first relationship we watched up close from the front row.  Consciously or unconsciously we internalized and carry out what we witnessed. 

Love is a feeling and one of the purest emotions.  It is permanent and the ways it is shown changes from person to person and situation to situation.   Being permanent particularly when we talk about unconditional love, you are loving someone no matter what.  It doesn’t mean that you stay together for long even when a commitment was made.  My parents tried to stay together for the seek of myself and my sisters.  It taught me that marriage is different from LOVE. 

For me, I spread love and light through kindness.  It also connects to acceptance.  If you accept me fully, you are showing me unconditional love.  You love without expecting anything in return.  Unconditional love is quickly associated with the love a parent has for their child.  As human beings, we really try hard to apply this permanent feeling to more than just our children, we hope it between friends, lovers, partners and biological family. 

The love languages show us how we express and hope to receive love from others.  Be grounded in LOVE, you can’t go wrong.  What’s your favorite expression of LOVE?  Notice how easy or challenging it is to bring into different situations with different people.  Let’s see WHERE is the LOVE?  It should be everywhere, seek it out and bring it in. 

Self-care

 

One of the best lessons I hope that everyone has learned over this pandemic experience is one of self-care.  I never thought I would miss hearing a stewardess say, “make sure you put your mask on first before you help others.”  It is about refilling your own cup before you can share the drink with others. 

The biggest misconception about self-care is that it is selfish and only about me time.  Self-care began as a medical concept and naturally has evolved.  Audre Lorde has linked it to a way to live though all the different oppression she experienced as a Black lesbian women.  Often her publishers would ask her to remove any writings that reflected love between two women.  In order to get published she did remove particular pieces until she found a publisher that printed her complete work. 

I am grateful that the services field began to embrace self-care some time ago.  Although the self-help push is intended for self-improvement it has rarely been linked to self-care.  The strong connection to self-care is wellness.  The idea is how can you give to others when your cup is empty. 

For me self-care means approaching myself as a whole individual.  My mental health, physical needs, social and emotional needs need to be met for me to prevent illness, and to maintain my health.  If I am not doing well in any of these areas, I know it will be difficult to show up and do my best work.  I also know that it will be difficult to be there  for anyone in general. 

We hear terms like work/life balance, personal care, pampering yourself and as Audre Lorde reminds us, self-preservation.  Again these concepts are not selfish it’s self-care, it’s all about taking care of yourself and adapting regular routines that maintain all aspects of our health so that we can operate at our best selves.    What are some practices you engage in regularly to maintain your self-care?

Lessons from Failure

 

I wrote a piece on f-bombs which included all things except for failure.  Among the f-bombs were forgiveness, faith, fear, feelings and forward.  Failure can be part of our fear and once its happenings it best we practice forgiving ourselves.  It is hard to see the positive side to failure.  It might be a learning that is best for us in the moment.  What might feel like a missed opportunity might turn out to be a blessing- it’s just doesn’t feel that way, right?  That is what makes failure so hard to accept.    

The lesson about failure is difficult to learn because we focus on our hurt feelings instead of leveraging the learning opportunity.  We focus on what we are losing instead of what we are gaining.  The truth is it’s hard to experience failure, it’s experiencing loss.  Our minds go to what could have been.  I have learned to appreciate my failures and treasure the courage to take a risk. 

I have added calculated risks into my regular growth rotation.  Take a chance on yourself and the skills you have.  It also helps to challenge and work through imposter syndrome.  It is more important to think about how you get up after you fall.  Failure certainly allows for this practice. 

Although it is a process and challenging the best thing to focus on is that you are not your mistake (failure). Believing in yourself will move you beyond the fall.  Also remember, It does feel good to say you tried.   Use your power to pick yourself up.  Give yourself room to fall on your face.  You don’t have to get up from your fall on your own.  

Let's be whole

 

 

I wonder how much attention is being put on our emotional experiences right now.  When the world is ending, how can people be thinking about what is happening inside of themselves.  Like we learn from Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Our basic needs of food, water, shelter, air, sleep and sex need to be satisfied before thinking about personal security, friendships, respect, strength and being the most that one can be. 

The structures of inequities have trained our brains into thinking that we have to compete against each other and claw though the many people just to win a tiny, tiny piece of a piece of pie.  The worst part is this was happening while everyone needed to isolate.  Now we should look to positive psychology as we start to transition out of our isolation comas. 

Managing our emotions, practicing self-care and being healthy are among the many positive practices everyone has had to take a closer look at over this year and moving forward.  Positive psychology plays a role in my everyday and it became clear during these challenging times.

“Positive psychology is the scientific study of what makes life most worth living” (Peterson, 2008).

Positive psychology is simply assisting us with focusing on our strengths.  Let’s build on the good in life instead of reacting to only the bad parts.  We do that naturally most of the time anyway.  Work on all the parts of the self-care wheel to get closer to being whole.  The better we are the easier it is to welcome and be prepared for more good things.