My themed year

This is the time of year to reflect and see what has been working. At least, I think this way. We have arrived at the last five weeks of 2014. This is the time to sit with, “what do you want?” However you choose to explore questions like these, this is the time. I like to start the New Year with focused intentions and clear thoughts. Ask yourself, “What do I want more of in my life?”

Clearing up your thoughts, allow you to decide on what you would like to zero in on in the year to come. I have a few more blogs to go to make a year anniversary. For me, I set a few new goals for the year and then others come naturally. My goal last year was to blog once a week and now I am almost at 52 weeks. What will be your top priorities for the year to come? How do you see yourself in 2015?

Sit with these questions so you can ring in the New Year with clear and focused intentions. For the last two years, I have let themes drive my year. In 2013, my themed year was faith and forgiveness. In 2014, I have been focused on courage and compassion. I have let a new theme arrive for 2015 and will reveal it, shortly. These themes have helped me stay focused and have encouraged truth and self discovery. I welcome you to invite your own themes into your life.

As you reflect and sit with the most pressing questions that can clear up your path for 2015, record what comes up. Whatever speaks the loudest and is consistent is what you need to pursue. My theme for 2015 will be awareness and authenticity. I am looking forward to raising my awareness and digging deeper into my true authentic self. This will keep me balanced, if you follow this blog you know that I have defined balance as staying on your path.

How do you prepare for 2015? What do you need to do to get ready and make room for the new? Naturally, making physical space helps make room. Clear out your closet and give away what you don’t use. The book Simplify your life by Elaine St James is a great book for slowing down and enjoying what you have in your life and how to clear up space for what is really important to you.

Another great way to end the year is to make a joy and meaning list. What brings you joy? What brings out meaning in your life? Make a commitment to carry out the lists throughout the New Year. Well, again there are just weeks left in 2014, ready for 2015? I know I am getting ready.

I am grateful for the struggles

                                             

“If there is no struggle, there is no progress.”- Frederick Douglass. The mistake we make is to get so distracted by the struggle; we fail to recognize the progress. Avoiding conflict and avoiding the truth can be an obstacle to growing yourself into more of the person you aspire to be. Fear stops us from the natural growth process. You live and you learn, right? This is why today, I am choosing to take a moment and share my gratitude for my struggles which have lad to my progress as the person I am.

For me, gratitude is an experience for every moment. During this time of year, let’s think about gratitude. This is a great reflection period, ending the year with reviewing all that has happened and planning to make room for both newness and the good of what has taken place. The biggest question this time of year is probably, “What are you most grateful for?”

I am most grateful for my struggles and mistakes. This is where I grow and learn. My struggles with how to integrate my identity and how I identify myself, enables me to know who I am. The life long learner side of me turns my struggles into the best parts of me. I am grateful for my struggles for they show me, different parts of myself. I am grateful for mistakes made because I learn and move to the next level. I am grateful that I am open to learning and moving on. I am grateful it doesn’t take me long to know what a mistake is giving me. It gives me the opportunity to reflect and choose again. It gives me the opportunity to challenge and stretch myself. I am grateful to uncover more of my true self.

We must take responsibility and be accountable for our part in our struggles. Being greatly attached to certain beliefs about ourselves can perpetuate a self fulfilling prophecy. If you believe you are not worthy, then you won’t be worthy. If you believe people will only see certain traits then that is all they will see. Some beliefs about yourself may be self limiting. Chang your mind and you may change your direction.

We have shifted away from using and living words like “character.” The actions we take and decisions we make during hard and good times, build character. Our actions become habits building parts of who we are. As Mahatma Gandhi stated, “Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become habits, your habits become your values, your values become your destiny.”

Act as if

There is positive pretending that can go on in one’s life like what Harriet Lerner talks about in her book, the Dance of Connection. Pretending to have courage just may allow you to have enough to actually become more courageous when needed. We all know the phrase, “fake it until you make it.” Acting as if you are already who and what you want to become. Instead of faking it until you make it, in her TED talk, Amy Cuddy expresses a similar sentiment about the way body language shapes who you are. Amy suggests, “You fake it until you become it.”

In many ways we have been teaching kids all of these messages. Act as if you are sorry is an excellent example. When a child hits another child and/or has an unpleasant interaction, we ask them to apologize. Most likely, the younger the child, the more unknowing and unaware they are that they acted unpleasantly and even more so that an apology would be appropriate, right? It takes children awhile to understand why they are apologizing and with more experience they know when an apology is appropriate and needed.

Acting as if is a great strategy to reach a goal. You have a clear, focused intention. Amy also talks about how the mind influences the body just about the same as the body influences the mind. For acting as if to work, take on all of the details. How would your body feel? How would you look? What would you say? How do you feel?

This is your opportunity to have the full experience. Take on a mentor, who is who you want to be more of and/or in a position you aspire to. Join a like minded community where you have many people to exchange and share with about a specific topic and/or industry. Sites like meetup.com make it easy to do as such. Like attracts like so you can also initiate such a community in your own unique way. For example, I hold and participate in brunches with colleagues and peers I admire and know I can learn from.

So your assignment if you choose to is to act as if. You have to decide what that will be. Once you make that decision then, as Amy Cuddy suggests, “Fake it until you become it.” This may be easier than you ever imagined.

Healthy routines

How do we keep on our road to our highest good? I believe healthy rituals and lifestyle practices will certainly contribute to such. What are your daily practices that keep you centered? Weekly, monthly practices? What healthy lifestyle practices have you integrated into your life?

Healthy routines and rituals are great to practice to uplift your spirit and keep you centered. What brief activities can you participate in everyday that will set you up for a productive day?

Here are some things you can incorporate into your daily life:
• Breathe
Simply taking a moment to focus on your breathe does not take up much time and can help you take a break before pushing forward.
• Mantras/Affirmations
Simply write a short affirmation and/or pick one that you know will help you throughout the day. Affirmations and mantras are short positive phrases and/or statements. You know yourself best so choose one that will work for you in that moment.
• Physical activity
If you can’t take time to go to the gym, do some yoga or slip in a walk during lunch and/or on the way or leaving work, be sure to stretch in the morning and throughout the day, and/or take some time to dance it out when you arrive in the evening from work, you can have a dance party with your kids
• Journaling
Reflecting on the day, helps people let go of the day and decide on new goals for what is to come. If you do not have much of a commute to work to write a journal entry, how about a moment before you go to bed?

The most important first step is to make a commitment. Decide what practice is best for you and go for it. Do not over commit; just pick one or two things you can do every day. Once you establish your routine and integrate it into your life, you can update your daily practice. Apart of practicing a healthy routine is knowing when you need to update your practice so you can move to a higher level. For example, I mediate daily. In order for me to practice non attachment, I change the way I mediate every month. I spend a month on mantras, sometimes on breathing, other times with sound, so on and so forth. If you get overly attached to the usual routine it might not be beneficial any longer.

The question of balance

Balance seems to be a popular word these days that is overused. It is also a common question that I get as a coach and consultant, “How do I get more balance in my life?” I recently explored and reached a definition of the actual word, balance that works for me right now.

In a world that functions in multi-taking, I find that what people may be truly striving for is to be present. I think people who are asking about balance,are really striving for learning how to be present. We live in a culture where Attention Deficit Disorder is more than well known and over diagnosed. We need to re-learn and focus on doing tasks one at a time. Reach one goal at a time then move on to the next one.

I think balance for some is about giving equal time to different roles in their lives. I would not define balance in this way. I am not sure if this is achievable. Sometimes your role as a mother will take up more time than other roles in your life because your child is younger and needs more attention. Folks struggle with letting a role dominant their life, it can be a conscious or unconscious choice. Other times, you get stuck in a role you want to break out of.

The struggle here, I see is the desire to make time for one’s self. The questions we should be asking here is, how do I disconnect and take a break from doing? What would that look like? The gift is in the being, not doing. Like Ram Dass reminds us, “You are a human being, not human doing.”

Society is becoming commitment phobic, make a single commitment and follow though. If you have decided to spend the afternoon with your family then do just that. Turn off your phone if you know it will disengage you from any distractions. Relearning has to be done around NOT doing and being present. If you are doing three things at one time, you are not able to give a hundred percent. Being busy and maintaining being busy isn’t as honorable as it used to be unless of course your busy has a purpose.

So I will leave you with my new definition of balance. I explored what balance is during a workshop at the Black Girl Project’s annual sisterhood summit, where I asked a Kemetic Priestess her impressions of balance. I enjoyed what was shared; balance is staying on the road to your highest good. For me, that means staying connected with myself no matter what. That may mean that I need a moment of silence, you can ask that from anyone. It also means continuing to maintain my mediation and yoga practices. These practices keep me connected to my instincts and my true center. What rituals do you need to put in place to do that for yourself? What is your definition of balance?

Many masks, many hats

The many masks, the many hats we wear remind me of Halloween. A lot of us live in the dualities we face everyday. I have never really understood the tradition of Halloween and where it came from. Even as a child, I was not interested in putting on and/or creating a costume. I had a hard enough time being myself and learning who I was. I am not sure that I can say that I have ever put on a costume for Halloween. I am usually handing out candy to the neighborhood kids costume free.

What message are we sending kids about Halloween? I certainly can appreciate the creativity and playfulness behind it all. Are we teaching our kids to put on a mask and get rewarded? Are we teaching kids to hide behind masks? I have witnessed some meanness on the train during Halloween, kids thinking they are having fun and people are getting hurt at the expense of them hiding behind masks. Could we spread and send a message of give and take?

I should not take it that seriously and at the same time there are many messages that are subtle and unconscious that stay with us for a long time. Should we start talking to our kids about the many layers of ourselves and how we wear many hats, many masks? I am a daughter, sister, aunt, friend, neighbor, co-creator, author, community building, observer… I can go on and on. Perhaps we can use Halloween to encourage children to explore different parts of their selves. It tells a lot about a person which costume they choose, and/or if they make one.

As adults, perhaps we should explore the masks we put on and why? I think most of us know, going in to different situations what parts of ourselves, we need to be armed with. There are different roles we need to play, that changes with circumstance and awareness. Our roles may expand and contract, either way we learn and grow. What costume are you choosing this Halloween? What mask/costume would encourage the strength of who you are and what you need now?

Getting the message out

There are many ways to get a message out. You can write, teach and deliver a message in person. Looking back, I was such shy child. I mean painfully shy! Fast forward to junior high school, high school and my undergraduate years, when given a choice between writing a paper and giving a presentation, I would go with the later. Giving a presentation was a totally different experience for me when I grew a little older. I thought it was much painless than writing a paper, go figure.

In terms of public speaking and using it to teach and spread positive messages, I have probably hit my 10,000 hours. (Malcolm Gladwell presents a theory in his book, the Outliers about mastering skills) If you are working on your public speaking, practice, practice and practice. Malcolm Gladwell, goes on to say, “Practice isn’t the thing you do once you’re good. It’s the thing you do that makes you good.”

I had a blast at my first book event this past weekend for the book that I am apart of, The Empowered Woman: Purpose, Passion and Possibiltiies. It has been years since I spoke on a panel and engaged with an audience with such intimacy and connection. I used to present on panels and at conferences more frequently years ago. I was reminded of how inspiring it is and how much you learn from the experience. This is definitely why I almost always use the word teacher and student almost interchangeably.

Here are 4 fundamental tips for approaching presentations and public speaking:
• Speak at a slower pace
Your nerves may be getting to you and you may want to rush through, remember to breathe and you know you are doing well when you are speaking slower than usual. You want the audience to follow what you are saying and hear your message.
• Engage the audience
Remember to look up. You don’t have to look directly at audience members, you can look beyond them if needed.
• Work through the nerves
Remember to breathe. The audience has gathered because they want to hear what you have to say. You can walk them through the agenda and when you transition. Let them know what is next. You can include the audience in what is happening.
• Prepare, prepare
Prepare the way that you know is best for you, if you need to use index cards and/or print out your bullet points and/or entire paragraphs, go ahead and do so. Practice in front of the mirror, in front of live people, etc… Go ahead and gather your thoughts so your message is heard.

If you are in the New York area, and would like to join me at my next speaking event, follow me @coachclari on twitter and direct message me for any speaking engagement requests in and outside of New York City.