Are you growing emotionally?

This post in many ways is a tribute to how much I have spoken of emotional intelligence. A large part of this discussion has been due to new language and ways of articulating challenging emotions and emotional states. Once you have integrated emotional intelligence into your lifestyle, the hope is that you will evolve and mature. Here are five signs that you are growing emotionally:

Confidence: If you are more comfortable in your skin and body and know who you are despite what others may think of you. At the same time you have been learning to avoid taking things so personally. When issues come up, it seems easier to identify whether they are your issues or not. This also comes with a high emotional awareness where you know what you think and how you feel.

Being Present: You are present and fully conscious of what is going on inside of you and around you. This is the essence of emotional intelligence, recognizing and getting to know your inner processes while balancing this with what is happening around you. This is probably the most challenging and rewarding state of being you will ever take on and continue to take on day to day.

Look for growth opportunities: You are interested and invest in bettering yourself everyday not being governed by strong habits. You choose to let go of looking good and focus on succeeding instead. You see the opportunities for growth in all situations, requesting feedback and bringing out the positive side of learned mistakes.

Move beyond the comfort zone: You act on your emotions by following your instincts, insights, hunches and any other mental messages you receive. This may mean that you are okay with asking and accepting help from others and/or that you have let go of managing other people's perceptions of you. Others may perceive your actions as risky and you being fully present and confident are more comfortable with doing things differently and/or trying new things.

Response ability: You are aware of your response ability. You make a conscious effort to choose to respond as oppose to react. When you make this choice, you are able to hold yourself accountable for your actions and move on the best way forward. You also can take on more responsibility in being the best leader you can be. You practice forgiveness of others and of yourself.

Bias

I have always thought of bias in the noun definition. It is when an individual prefers something over another. Everyone has their likes and dislikes. We even have language about favoritism when it comes to family, nepotism. Biases can cross a line when making decisions about how you carry your biases in the world. Whether you want to or not you can't put your own preferences on any one else. Not being aware of your biases can be just as dangerous. The unconscious bias is difficult to tend with. There may be feelings and thoughts that are so deeply ingrained in the subconscious that may take a long while to surface.

On top of all these inner workings that go on inside an individual, we contend with large institutions that are rooted in racism. As Beverly Daniel Tatum points out in her book, Why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria?, there are white students sitting together, though we rarely comment about that. She goes on to explain that racial grouping is a developmental process in response to the environmental stressor of racism. Again sometimes we do not know how unconscious biases will show up in the world.

It is not required for bias to be right or wrong. What you prefer is what you prefer. Deepak Chopra has said that if you do not make the time to meditate at least ask yourself one question, Are you aware? This certainly applies here. Are you aware and raising awareness about your preferences and how you carry them out into the world? If we learned anything from Martin Luther King Jr., it is that we must continue to work toward equality and love. To keep his dream alive, we must explore ideas like these whether it is difficult or not. Having hard conversations may be uncomfortable and it does not mean we should not partake in them.

In Brene Brown's description of the anatomy of trust, she defines integrity as choosing courage over comfort, practicing values and choosing right over what is fun, fast and easy. This is a great definition of integrity that aligns with Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream. I will continue to look to this definition to keep me motivated and courageous enough to live a life with such integrity.

Practicing non attachment

It has taken me some time to figure out how to put into practice this idea of non attachment. The key I have found is to let go of expectations. I practice setting intentions instead. It is the idea of not wanting for anything. This is apart of abundance based thinking as opposed to lack thinking. The choice to be fully present instead of bringing your wishes along and magically trying to get everyone around you and whomever is present to take on these wishes to your satisfaction.

The minute I stopped wanting for other people, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I don't want for anyone else nor myself. I can't want for anyone else anyway. The person has to want for themselves for anything to come into fruition. I recently read an article that captures the experience of expectations. "When you sit down and listen to someone you love talk to you, your story about who you think they are will color your expectations about what they say, and your story about yourself colors how you expect to respond (JC Peters, Spirituality and Health). JC goes on to say, "If you can release the person you love, from your story about them, you can really, fully listen to them and hear what they have to say." Yes, you may not actually know what someone you know so well will say, do and/or feel.

Another key form of non attachment is being in the present. Releasing old ideas of yourself and others can permit bringing the now in. Being non attached is not about being detached from anything or anyone. It is about putting your values and beliefs into practice in a way that brings empathy, compassion and openness to yourself and those you encounter. Ultimately, we are working to release one of the oldest illusions of mankind that others will save you and give you constant happiness. As I say all the time, you are the only person responsible for your feelings; this includes happiness. Why look outside of yourself?

It's a lovely feeling of freedom when you learn to let go of any expectations you may have of someone, something and/or any events. The start of an ambitious practice is to take one step at a time. Forgive yourself when you are not working at the pace you hoped for. Planning is helpful and useful for me. It allows me to be prepared and flexible enough to shift my needs and wants. This leaves me ready for whatever comes. As I have been known to say, "Preparation allows us to be fully present when that moment arrives and you will know when that movement arrives."

Let's be brave

I must acknowledge Brene Brown for being at the forefront of emotional intelligence.  For me, emotional intelligence is an important element that needs to be embraced.  Brene Brown is making it easier to integrate emotional intelligence into our daily lives by giving us language and research.   With her books like Daring Greatly and Rising Strong, you can explore emotional processes in an articulate way.  Now she has broken down trust in the same way that she has shared about vulnerability and shame.

During the holidays, I enjoyed watching the different sessions from SuperSoul TV.  Brene Brown has introduced what she calls BRAVING as the anatomy of trust.  Trust is huge and so difficult to explain.  I think this helps:
BRAVING
Boundaries: be clear about your boundaries and hold them and respect the boundaries of others
Reliability: being about to keep your word over and over again
Accountability: owning your mistakes and making amends
Vault: What I share with you will be held in confidence and vice versa
Integrity: choosing courage over comfort, practicing values, and choosing right over what is fun, fast                 and easy
Non-judgement: Either of us can fall apart, and ask for help without judgement
Generosity: assume generous thoughts about words, intentions and behaviors, ask about them

BRAVING has allowed me to talk about trust in a way that I have not been able to before.  Although I understand there needs to be self-trust, BRAVING is not intended to be a solo sport.  I do enjoy the idea of BRAVING with someone else.  It is the small things that bring us joy and the small acts that build trust.  Brene, reminds us that asking for help is a courageous act that invites BRAVING.  What are moments of trust for you?  How do you build trust with others?

All about authenticity

Here we are saying goodbye to another year.  For me this also means I am ending my themed year. My 2015 themed year was of authenticity and awareness.  I am sad to say goodbye and excited about all I have learned about authenticity and awareness.  Awareness and authenticity naturally work together to allow us to work to be who we truly are as opposed to who we or others think we are.  I find that this is a constant struggle and we have to constantly make decisions based on what we know to be right and what others may be calling for in a situation.

This constant struggle between being who you are and who you are expected to be calls for using courage and curiosity all the time.  It takes courage to go against the status quo.  It takes courage to find common ground and compromise.  Whichever direction you choose, it is important to stay curious about your responses, reactions, and reasons for coming to the decision you ultimately make. The combination of the ability to be curious about yourself and engage in courage to follow through with decisions can only drive you deeper in authenticity.  Using courage and curiosity raises your awareness of yourself in order to feel your true authenticity.

I also find that when you are deeper in authenticity, you make decisions easier.  I feel strong enough in who I am to know what I need and what my capabilities are.  I feel strong enough in my boundaries to be happy with my yes and no.  One of my favorite beginning practices that were influenced by my themed year is embracing being more than doing.  I find that when I choose being, I am more present which has opened up more positive possibilities for me.

I don't think it is a coincidence that courage and curiosity were a previous themed year for me.  It led me to authenticity and awareness.  (Drum roll)  And now it is leading me to the year of the ying and yang, living in ambiguity.  I welcome what learnings this will bring in 2016!  Thank you all for taking this new adventure with me.  More to come in 2016!

A holistic view

I have always loved Maya Angelou's quote, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."  It can be difficult to live out the quote when you want to remain optimistic about relationships long term.  The expectations that we put on family members and others we know so well are often not realistic.  Everyone's speed to their journey is so different, everyone is not prepared to really see themselves in the mirror.  I mean really see themselves in the mirror.

When you look in the mirror, do you really see who you are?  The reflection in the mirror does not tell the entire story, does it?  There is more to one's self besides the physical, one hopes, right?  We live a lifetime so we can know ourselves deeper than the surface.  The thing is not everyone is willing to take that deeper journey.  Naturally, you choose the pace of your life and have to make decisions everyday, every moment.  When you don't like what you find beneath the surface, take it as an opportunity to grow and develop.  If you can't take a long hard look at yourself, how can you judge and be fully honest with others?

I have always believed in a holistic view of a person.  All elements whether the body, spiritual, mental, emotional  or cultural health can be explored and transform a person.  I believe all these elements work hand and hand to make up the essential foundation of a person.  We have a lifetime to see and witness different parts of that reflection we look at in the mirror.  We have a lifetime to explore and grow the different angles and the different viewpoints that get reflected back to us.

How do you engage the parts of yourself that you consciously shy away from?  How do you allow for your different elements to work together so you are proud of and embrace the current reflection in the mirror?  As we enter winter, I think these are some great reflective questions, we could ask ourselves.  

Book Club

Folks always ask me what I am reading, probably because I am always reading.  I can thank my undergraduate and graduate education for this.  I learned how to read multiple books at the same time.  I am grateful for this good, continual habit.  As a life long learner, I crave knowledge, live in curiosity and love to explore.  As a writer, words inspire me and are so much fun to play with.

Right now, I am in the middle of Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic and Keith Ferrazzi's Who's got your back.  I recently completed Gloria Steinam's My Life on the Road and Brene Brown's Rising Strong.  I enjoy biographies and books that explore creativity.  I enjoy exploring deeper parts of myself and books that encourage ways to bravely look inward.  Reading and writing makes great room for reflection and growing. 

What would your book club look like?  As a coach and trainer, I always get asked about book recommendations in corresponding areas.  I have leadership, management, coaching and life book favorites that I am always recommending.  I also have creativity and writing favorites, too.  I do have loyalty to favorite authors, happily looking forward to their new books. 

If you follow this blog, you probably can see what I am reading just by my mentions and what I highlight.  I reference books and articles that I am engrossed in all the time.  I have a short list of what is to come for me, I am looking forward to Shonda Rhimes' Year of Yes, Brigid Schulte's Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play when no one has the time.  and Kevin Powell's biography, The Education of Kevin Powell: A Boy's Journey into Manhood.