Note to masculine self

However we identify ourselves on the spectrum of gender, we all have a masculine and feminine side. I strive to balance these sides and find that I am strong and caring.  As Brene Brown describes in her book, Rising Strong, you can hold boundaries and be compassionate.  Let's live in the gray as opposed to the black and white.

Before I was living a more balanced life, I would have to remind my masculine self of some things like you don't have to be right all the time.  Be conscious of when you are choosing competition over cooperation.  This part of ourselves can be like what Harriet Lerner describes in her book, The Dance of Connection, as over functioning.  Over-functioners prefer not  to feel and just would like to do.  When you move too fast you can miss some things.  You also can leave others behind.  Remember doing with as opposed to doing for builds community.

There is more power in community than trying to go at it alone.  Everyone can use a helping hand. The next time someone offers a true helping hand, take it.  The masculine self can isolate us and only give commands.  Your ego becomes a great partner, sometimes the only partner that is driving you away from your true self.  Don't be scared of those who are in need of help.  You actually are one of these people too.  The thing is that your masculine self only wants to give so pull in the feminine side and receive as well.

One of the hardest beliefs to let go is seeing everyone as a problem to solve.  When folks are sharing about their lives, it is not to seek resolution.  Sometimes what is will be.  Everyone has their own process, ask if they would like your help.  Most people know how they can use your help, just ask how you can help.  You may hear that it was helpful just being heard.  You may hear a request and have to really listen.  The request may not be what you want for the other person.  Leading is just as much about following as it is about leading.

The open road

I guess there is a certain comfort in travel being born of parents who were not born in the US.  My parents were smart and planned the summers ahead enough to get them off.  My sister and I traveled to summer sleep away camps, dance camps and stayed with family out of the country over the school break.

I find you learn so much in travels.  What is it about an open road that welcomes new adventures and new understandings.  It is a gift to experience something new and to get out of the usual surroundings.  You take in the sites, leaving you in the present moment.

I have been in snow in June in the Rocky Mountains.  I have viewed the Presidents at Mount Rushmore as well as Crazy Horse in South Dakota.  I have seen bears live more than I would like to admit.  I have been steps away from an alligator in the wild.  I have our National Parks to thank for this as much as my travels.

I have taken every mode of transportation available thus far.  One year, when a huge snow storm hit the east coast, it took me a plane, train and automobile to get home on one trip.  These are only  a hint of my domestic travels, my adventures abroad have even begun in my home airport.  Gloria Steinem writes about what she has learned from her travels in her new book, My Life on the Road.  I probably could write two books about my experiences on the road at home and abroad.

We have to figure out how to take the breaks like the ones we get on the road.  It can be a break from the normal, a break from all we know.  It can be a break from everyday pressures and a well needed mental break.  What is it about the open road that clears our heads, and rejuvenates the soul?  What is it about the open road that opens up new pathways and can help us easily change direction?  What is it about travel that expands our minds and hearts?

Laugh with me

I guess my soul is sensitive.  I find that when I watch, witness or hear about traumatic situations, they can stay with me  longer than I would like.  Knowing since I was a child that shaking off such ideas and situations does not come easy for me, I choose to avoid them as much I can.  I elect not to watch horror movies.  Lucky I made it through Halloween.  It has proven hard to avoid.

I have never been one to scare myself either.  The thrill of the amusement park came and went while I was a child.  I guess it is the excitement and thrill of the adventure.  I prefer to laugh instead.  Laughing is the best free medicine.  It can be a goal of mine, sometimes.  After I have had a lot of heavy emotions run through me, I find ways to release it with laughter.  My strive for balance helps bring it in.

Light-hearted moments keep my heart open and balanced.  I laugh about and to myself all the time. There are so many other benefits to laughing.  I love it when I am laughing so much to the point of almost crying and how my abs get a workout.  I love it when I am laughing and not thinking of anything else.  I love how laughing can make me feel better and positive.  When was the last time you had a good gut retching laugh?

I am grateful life does not always call on us to be super serious.  Learning to add playful elements into your life seems to get more challenging as years go by.  As adults we need to incorporate play time into our schedules.  I challenge you to schedule such time.  Look for that great comedy movie or show, spend some time with some children, they can certainly remind you of how to play.

Why religion?

It is a cultural norm in the US to avoid conversations on politics, sex and religion.  It is interesting for me because much larger conflicts could be avoided if we actually had these conversations no matter how sensitive it can be.  I think we are getting better about talking about religion.  The media has been enjoying leading the conversation on politics while sex is still lagging behind.

Oprah is certainly taking the lead on spiritual conversations including ones of religion.  Her recent series, Belief celebrates all religions and traditions all over the world.  I watched over and over again how belief can bring people together in so many different ways.  This is what I enjoyed about religion in my early years of life: just coming together in community.  Nothing builds community like common values and beliefs.

I take bits and pieces of religions to satisfy my spirituality.  I have read and continue to reflect on the Tao te Ching and sound like a Zen Buddhist at times.  I recognize and know how Catholicism naturally seeps out from my Latina culture and subsequently in some of my actions.  Thomas Moore seems to suggest something similar in the book, A religion of one's own.

It seems that nowadays, folks are okay with claiming their spirituality whether religious or not.  Of course this means something different to everyone, For some it does mean participating in the religion of their choosing.  For others, it can be yoga, quiet reflection, meditation, silent retreats or other activities.  The common belief is that there is a greater power among us.

I guess I haven't been one to shy away from the harder conversations.  I wouldn't suggest making religion, sex or politics the subjects of a first conversation,  If the subjects come up naturally and you are comfortable, why not engage?  Exploring in community may be just as beneficial as exploring on your own.  Either way the final decisions are up to you.

Disappointment

Disappointment is an interesting state.  If you do not move through it quickly and steadily, you will only get into serious emotional states like sadness, anger and desperation.  When you make decisions you want to come from a more loving space.  Letting go of the old can make room for the new.  Sometimes we could not even have imagined the good in new until it arrives.  Most times we can not plan it completely.

I am grateful to be disappointment free.  I can share with you why.  Disappointment is about feelings of missed opportunity and sadness/displeasure caused by the non-fulfillment of one's hopes or expectations.  I have learned to let go of expectation and instead I set intentions and live out my high standards and values.  I also have let go of the strong belief that I have absolute control.  The only thing that I have control over are my decisions moment to moment.  I do not take the power over anyone approach and hope my influence and expertise can move people to make the best decisions.

Acceptance is what we must work on to move through disappointment.  It is hard to look at the bigger picture when feelings of a small defeat dominate.  How do you get back up after a fall?  How do you look at all the elements when you are blinded by the smallest detail? Brene Brown's latest book,  Rising Strong addresses such issues.  She introduces a three step process that can help you get up when you fall.

Here are some ways you can strength acceptance in the mist of disappointment:

Let it out:  One way to avoid getting caught up in only emotion is to get it out physically.  Cry, yell, do what you need to do to let it all out.  Emotions can trigger reactions that are more about the issue at hand.  Physical activity can move emotions out of the body.  Be sure to practice compassion and give yourself space and time to confront the larger issue.

Gratitude: Counting your blessings can bring in a positive side to situations.  How can you make room for the new and let go of the old?  What can you appreciate about the situation?

Take a time out:  Taking a step back, can allow you to be more honest with yourself and clearly see the bigger picture.  Use the situation as a learning tool.  What can you learn from what has happened? What deeper understanding do you have of yourself, now?

Some of our greatest hits

People say all things come back.  Well, I have noticed the celebration of the 80's everywhere.  We do live in a cyclical world.  Remnants of the past still hang around.  The wedges and high boots are still around thanks to the 70's.  I have been seeing the 80's all over the place, so let's take a moment and celebrate the best of 80's.

The acid wash jeans are back.  Loud colors and mixing patterns are okay again.  Classic movies like the Breaksfast Club, and the Karate Kid are regularly on cable.  For some, big hair never went away.

What was it about the 80's?  Some say the decade had the best entertainment.  I must say, the music across the board was fantastic.  There were so many genres, house, freestyle, heavy metal, rock and much more.  I was busy making mix tapes and listening to vinyl.  MTV was born and introduced the video form of music.  We got to see the Culture Club with Boy George and how Girls want to have fun with Cyndi Lauper.  What is your favorite moment from the 1980's?

We were introduced to the likes of Whitney Houston and Janet Jackson had "Control."  Van Halen made us "Jump," while Michael Jackson dominated with the album Thriller.  I felt so good strolling with my walkman especially since I had made the mix tape that was playing.  With crack devastating the inner cities, you say posters and heard the slogan of "Say no to drugs," everywhere.

With a song like "Celebration" from Kool and the Gang to start the decade off, sums it up for me.  For me the energy of the 80's definitely stood out.  With theme parties, it is a popular decade to celebrate.   What have you taken from this decade?  What can we celebrate from it, today?

Being an upstander

I recently was introduced to new curriculum addressing bullying situations.  The language and way the scenarios are explored certainly address our modern times.  It is very impressive.  It calls for our young people to become upstanders.  People who speak up against injustices with poise and grace.  Like the known saying goes, "It is not what you say but how you say it."

This message among other messages stand out in this new approach.  Now, I notice the language everywhere including the slogan for the recent Global Citizen Festival, it read, "We are not a generation of bystanders, we are global citizens."  I see a lot of people promoting the transition from bystander to upstander.  This is what we are inviting young people to do.

The word Upstander itself is inspiring.  I see stand up, get up, be up just in the word.  As an upstander myself, I do have to choose my battles.  I let go of those that are already being taken up by other fellow upstanders, thank you!  Bullying goes beyond the physical realm.  Now there are ways of hurting people without them even being physically present.  We have the internet and cell phones to do the trick.

Being an upstander calls on us to be compassionate.  Compassionate with those who are having a bad day.  Call upon these feelings when you get upset and remember that you have a piece of that person's bad day recorded on your phone.  Compassionate with those who decide to share a photo you don't like of yourself and you think about one that you know they will not like.  Let's treat others the way that we would want to be treated.  How do you practice being an upstander?  How do you engage in difficult conversations?