Identify yourself

"Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value."- Albert Einstein

When it comes to the question of what I do and who I am?, I prefer to always ask myself who am I? I know it is common for what we do to take up so much of our identity. How do you identify yourself? I have made a transition from defining myself by what I do to who I am as a person. I believe the above quote describes this well. Raising your value and investing in yourself can only lead you to success.

I am grateful that who I am matters in my inner circles. Who I am takes note of the smallest things that ignite happiness; collecting smiles from strangers, the joy in the colors of the sunset... Who I am is interested in growing and learning new things about myself and the world around me. I appreciate my power circles for exploring how we can live our best lives.

There are so much more ways to identify yourself. The layers among us all are endless. We are mothers, daughters, sisters among other things. We take on many identities at one time. I think it is important to let yourself choose as opposed to be assigned identities. From the moment to the next we may make a choice to take on an appropriate identity for a given situation. We pull from these lenses to make the most out of any situation.

3 choices that can change your life

Choices are key to all of our lives. We make more choices than we realize. Everyday, moment to moment. For the best outcomes, I rely on 3 activities that I continue to engage in regularly:

Being open: Choosing to be open is about learning how to be secure enough in yourself to go with the flow. Learning is a life long duty. Being open allows for learning to take place. It is a learning choice. For openness to work for you, you must know when you are getting tense and starting to close yourself off. You must raise your awareness of how you are present.

Taking quiet time: the most popular way to carve out quiet time is probably meditation. I do prefer this method and I also literally can use a moment without noise. A moment with silence, without movement, without reacting to anything around me. Quiet time is about listening out for any messages that may arrive within you. For me, this is done successfully with training the mind to silence the many other voices and focus on the one I know I need to listen to.

Trusting yourself: Our biggest obstacle can be ourselves. It is up to you whether you choose to drink the water or not. Trusting yourself in how you respond and what choice you make. No one knows yourself like you do. No one else feels what you feel. No one else can make decisions for you. You get to choose and can make a choice in all situations. Going with your instincts and overwhelming feelings usually lead to the best outcome.

Now there is more awareness surrounding your choices, will you drink the water or not? It is always up to you. Gain confidence in your choices and how you arrive at them.

Anniversary

"Do you know what today is?, it's our anniversary."-Anniversary by Tony!Toni!Tone!

I recently completed two years of posts! Thanks everyone! This makes me think about anniversaries and how we celebrate. Celebrating the smaller milestones help us to get to the larger ones. How do you set anniversaries? Are your relationship milestones celebrated at an equal or larger rate than your career milestones? or any other areas of your life for that matter?

We tend to think of couples when we think of anniversaries. Anniversaries are usually associated with relationship celebrations. The couple chooses the date and celebrates around the date as much as they want to or don't want to. The date might be their first meeting, or a day they decided to be partnered up. Much like birthdays, I guess except we did not choose that date. Thanks to social media and sites like linkedin.com, anniversaries don't only have to be about couples. Work anniversaries are recognized. What other anniversaries do you celebrate?

Anniversaries are great to set to celebrate small and large accomplishments. Celebrating the small ones, help work up to keep us motivated for the big ones. A friend of mine just recently purchased her first home. It is great to watch her celebrate by hosting people. I can see that her closing date will be an important anniversary to celebrate. What are other ways in which we can celebrate significant milestones?

Everyone deserves a celebration. Celebrate all that you are. Regardless of setting dates or not, you still can celebrate. Setting dates is a reminder for us to celebrate. What will you choose to set anniversaries dates for? Put your dates on the calendar and dare to make actual plans to celebrate. Don't wait for others to celebrate you, honor who you are and take the initiative.

Are you growing emotionally?

This post in many ways is a tribute to how much I have spoken of emotional intelligence. A large part of this discussion has been due to new language and ways of articulating challenging emotions and emotional states. Once you have integrated emotional intelligence into your lifestyle, the hope is that you will evolve and mature. Here are five signs that you are growing emotionally:

Confidence: If you are more comfortable in your skin and body and know who you are despite what others may think of you. At the same time you have been learning to avoid taking things so personally. When issues come up, it seems easier to identify whether they are your issues or not. This also comes with a high emotional awareness where you know what you think and how you feel.

Being Present: You are present and fully conscious of what is going on inside of you and around you. This is the essence of emotional intelligence, recognizing and getting to know your inner processes while balancing this with what is happening around you. This is probably the most challenging and rewarding state of being you will ever take on and continue to take on day to day.

Look for growth opportunities: You are interested and invest in bettering yourself everyday not being governed by strong habits. You choose to let go of looking good and focus on succeeding instead. You see the opportunities for growth in all situations, requesting feedback and bringing out the positive side of learned mistakes.

Move beyond the comfort zone: You act on your emotions by following your instincts, insights, hunches and any other mental messages you receive. This may mean that you are okay with asking and accepting help from others and/or that you have let go of managing other people's perceptions of you. Others may perceive your actions as risky and you being fully present and confident are more comfortable with doing things differently and/or trying new things.

Response ability: You are aware of your response ability. You make a conscious effort to choose to respond as oppose to react. When you make this choice, you are able to hold yourself accountable for your actions and move on the best way forward. You also can take on more responsibility in being the best leader you can be. You practice forgiveness of others and of yourself.

Bias

I have always thought of bias in the noun definition. It is when an individual prefers something over another. Everyone has their likes and dislikes. We even have language about favoritism when it comes to family, nepotism. Biases can cross a line when making decisions about how you carry your biases in the world. Whether you want to or not you can't put your own preferences on any one else. Not being aware of your biases can be just as dangerous. The unconscious bias is difficult to tend with. There may be feelings and thoughts that are so deeply ingrained in the subconscious that may take a long while to surface.

On top of all these inner workings that go on inside an individual, we contend with large institutions that are rooted in racism. As Beverly Daniel Tatum points out in her book, Why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria?, there are white students sitting together, though we rarely comment about that. She goes on to explain that racial grouping is a developmental process in response to the environmental stressor of racism. Again sometimes we do not know how unconscious biases will show up in the world.

It is not required for bias to be right or wrong. What you prefer is what you prefer. Deepak Chopra has said that if you do not make the time to meditate at least ask yourself one question, Are you aware? This certainly applies here. Are you aware and raising awareness about your preferences and how you carry them out into the world? If we learned anything from Martin Luther King Jr., it is that we must continue to work toward equality and love. To keep his dream alive, we must explore ideas like these whether it is difficult or not. Having hard conversations may be uncomfortable and it does not mean we should not partake in them.

In Brene Brown's description of the anatomy of trust, she defines integrity as choosing courage over comfort, practicing values and choosing right over what is fun, fast and easy. This is a great definition of integrity that aligns with Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream. I will continue to look to this definition to keep me motivated and courageous enough to live a life with such integrity.

Practicing non attachment

It has taken me some time to figure out how to put into practice this idea of non attachment. The key I have found is to let go of expectations. I practice setting intentions instead. It is the idea of not wanting for anything. This is apart of abundance based thinking as opposed to lack thinking. The choice to be fully present instead of bringing your wishes along and magically trying to get everyone around you and whomever is present to take on these wishes to your satisfaction.

The minute I stopped wanting for other people, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I don't want for anyone else nor myself. I can't want for anyone else anyway. The person has to want for themselves for anything to come into fruition. I recently read an article that captures the experience of expectations. "When you sit down and listen to someone you love talk to you, your story about who you think they are will color your expectations about what they say, and your story about yourself colors how you expect to respond (JC Peters, Spirituality and Health). JC goes on to say, "If you can release the person you love, from your story about them, you can really, fully listen to them and hear what they have to say." Yes, you may not actually know what someone you know so well will say, do and/or feel.

Another key form of non attachment is being in the present. Releasing old ideas of yourself and others can permit bringing the now in. Being non attached is not about being detached from anything or anyone. It is about putting your values and beliefs into practice in a way that brings empathy, compassion and openness to yourself and those you encounter. Ultimately, we are working to release one of the oldest illusions of mankind that others will save you and give you constant happiness. As I say all the time, you are the only person responsible for your feelings; this includes happiness. Why look outside of yourself?

It's a lovely feeling of freedom when you learn to let go of any expectations you may have of someone, something and/or any events. The start of an ambitious practice is to take one step at a time. Forgive yourself when you are not working at the pace you hoped for. Planning is helpful and useful for me. It allows me to be prepared and flexible enough to shift my needs and wants. This leaves me ready for whatever comes. As I have been known to say, "Preparation allows us to be fully present when that moment arrives and you will know when that movement arrives."

Let's be brave

I must acknowledge Brene Brown for being at the forefront of emotional intelligence.  For me, emotional intelligence is an important element that needs to be embraced.  Brene Brown is making it easier to integrate emotional intelligence into our daily lives by giving us language and research.   With her books like Daring Greatly and Rising Strong, you can explore emotional processes in an articulate way.  Now she has broken down trust in the same way that she has shared about vulnerability and shame.

During the holidays, I enjoyed watching the different sessions from SuperSoul TV.  Brene Brown has introduced what she calls BRAVING as the anatomy of trust.  Trust is huge and so difficult to explain.  I think this helps:
BRAVING
Boundaries: be clear about your boundaries and hold them and respect the boundaries of others
Reliability: being about to keep your word over and over again
Accountability: owning your mistakes and making amends
Vault: What I share with you will be held in confidence and vice versa
Integrity: choosing courage over comfort, practicing values, and choosing right over what is fun, fast                 and easy
Non-judgement: Either of us can fall apart, and ask for help without judgement
Generosity: assume generous thoughts about words, intentions and behaviors, ask about them

BRAVING has allowed me to talk about trust in a way that I have not been able to before.  Although I understand there needs to be self-trust, BRAVING is not intended to be a solo sport.  I do enjoy the idea of BRAVING with someone else.  It is the small things that bring us joy and the small acts that build trust.  Brene, reminds us that asking for help is a courageous act that invites BRAVING.  What are moments of trust for you?  How do you build trust with others?