I am grateful for the struggles

                                             

“If there is no struggle, there is no progress.”- Frederick Douglass. The mistake we make is to get so distracted by the struggle; we fail to recognize the progress. Avoiding conflict and avoiding the truth can be an obstacle to growing yourself into more of the person you aspire to be. Fear stops us from the natural growth process. You live and you learn, right? This is why today, I am choosing to take a moment and share my gratitude for my struggles which have lad to my progress as the person I am.

For me, gratitude is an experience for every moment. During this time of year, let’s think about gratitude. This is a great reflection period, ending the year with reviewing all that has happened and planning to make room for both newness and the good of what has taken place. The biggest question this time of year is probably, “What are you most grateful for?”

I am most grateful for my struggles and mistakes. This is where I grow and learn. My struggles with how to integrate my identity and how I identify myself, enables me to know who I am. The life long learner side of me turns my struggles into the best parts of me. I am grateful for my struggles for they show me, different parts of myself. I am grateful for mistakes made because I learn and move to the next level. I am grateful that I am open to learning and moving on. I am grateful it doesn’t take me long to know what a mistake is giving me. It gives me the opportunity to reflect and choose again. It gives me the opportunity to challenge and stretch myself. I am grateful to uncover more of my true self.

We must take responsibility and be accountable for our part in our struggles. Being greatly attached to certain beliefs about ourselves can perpetuate a self fulfilling prophecy. If you believe you are not worthy, then you won’t be worthy. If you believe people will only see certain traits then that is all they will see. Some beliefs about yourself may be self limiting. Chang your mind and you may change your direction.

We have shifted away from using and living words like “character.” The actions we take and decisions we make during hard and good times, build character. Our actions become habits building parts of who we are. As Mahatma Gandhi stated, “Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become habits, your habits become your values, your values become your destiny.”

Act as if

There is positive pretending that can go on in one’s life like what Harriet Lerner talks about in her book, the Dance of Connection. Pretending to have courage just may allow you to have enough to actually become more courageous when needed. We all know the phrase, “fake it until you make it.” Acting as if you are already who and what you want to become. Instead of faking it until you make it, in her TED talk, Amy Cuddy expresses a similar sentiment about the way body language shapes who you are. Amy suggests, “You fake it until you become it.”

In many ways we have been teaching kids all of these messages. Act as if you are sorry is an excellent example. When a child hits another child and/or has an unpleasant interaction, we ask them to apologize. Most likely, the younger the child, the more unknowing and unaware they are that they acted unpleasantly and even more so that an apology would be appropriate, right? It takes children awhile to understand why they are apologizing and with more experience they know when an apology is appropriate and needed.

Acting as if is a great strategy to reach a goal. You have a clear, focused intention. Amy also talks about how the mind influences the body just about the same as the body influences the mind. For acting as if to work, take on all of the details. How would your body feel? How would you look? What would you say? How do you feel?

This is your opportunity to have the full experience. Take on a mentor, who is who you want to be more of and/or in a position you aspire to. Join a like minded community where you have many people to exchange and share with about a specific topic and/or industry. Sites like meetup.com make it easy to do as such. Like attracts like so you can also initiate such a community in your own unique way. For example, I hold and participate in brunches with colleagues and peers I admire and know I can learn from.

So your assignment if you choose to is to act as if. You have to decide what that will be. Once you make that decision then, as Amy Cuddy suggests, “Fake it until you become it.” This may be easier than you ever imagined.

Healthy routines

How do we keep on our road to our highest good? I believe healthy rituals and lifestyle practices will certainly contribute to such. What are your daily practices that keep you centered? Weekly, monthly practices? What healthy lifestyle practices have you integrated into your life?

Healthy routines and rituals are great to practice to uplift your spirit and keep you centered. What brief activities can you participate in everyday that will set you up for a productive day?

Here are some things you can incorporate into your daily life:
• Breathe
Simply taking a moment to focus on your breathe does not take up much time and can help you take a break before pushing forward.
• Mantras/Affirmations
Simply write a short affirmation and/or pick one that you know will help you throughout the day. Affirmations and mantras are short positive phrases and/or statements. You know yourself best so choose one that will work for you in that moment.
• Physical activity
If you can’t take time to go to the gym, do some yoga or slip in a walk during lunch and/or on the way or leaving work, be sure to stretch in the morning and throughout the day, and/or take some time to dance it out when you arrive in the evening from work, you can have a dance party with your kids
• Journaling
Reflecting on the day, helps people let go of the day and decide on new goals for what is to come. If you do not have much of a commute to work to write a journal entry, how about a moment before you go to bed?

The most important first step is to make a commitment. Decide what practice is best for you and go for it. Do not over commit; just pick one or two things you can do every day. Once you establish your routine and integrate it into your life, you can update your daily practice. Apart of practicing a healthy routine is knowing when you need to update your practice so you can move to a higher level. For example, I mediate daily. In order for me to practice non attachment, I change the way I mediate every month. I spend a month on mantras, sometimes on breathing, other times with sound, so on and so forth. If you get overly attached to the usual routine it might not be beneficial any longer.

The question of balance

Balance seems to be a popular word these days that is overused. It is also a common question that I get as a coach and consultant, “How do I get more balance in my life?” I recently explored and reached a definition of the actual word, balance that works for me right now.

In a world that functions in multi-taking, I find that what people may be truly striving for is to be present. I think people who are asking about balance,are really striving for learning how to be present. We live in a culture where Attention Deficit Disorder is more than well known and over diagnosed. We need to re-learn and focus on doing tasks one at a time. Reach one goal at a time then move on to the next one.

I think balance for some is about giving equal time to different roles in their lives. I would not define balance in this way. I am not sure if this is achievable. Sometimes your role as a mother will take up more time than other roles in your life because your child is younger and needs more attention. Folks struggle with letting a role dominant their life, it can be a conscious or unconscious choice. Other times, you get stuck in a role you want to break out of.

The struggle here, I see is the desire to make time for one’s self. The questions we should be asking here is, how do I disconnect and take a break from doing? What would that look like? The gift is in the being, not doing. Like Ram Dass reminds us, “You are a human being, not human doing.”

Society is becoming commitment phobic, make a single commitment and follow though. If you have decided to spend the afternoon with your family then do just that. Turn off your phone if you know it will disengage you from any distractions. Relearning has to be done around NOT doing and being present. If you are doing three things at one time, you are not able to give a hundred percent. Being busy and maintaining being busy isn’t as honorable as it used to be unless of course your busy has a purpose.

So I will leave you with my new definition of balance. I explored what balance is during a workshop at the Black Girl Project’s annual sisterhood summit, where I asked a Kemetic Priestess her impressions of balance. I enjoyed what was shared; balance is staying on the road to your highest good. For me, that means staying connected with myself no matter what. That may mean that I need a moment of silence, you can ask that from anyone. It also means continuing to maintain my mediation and yoga practices. These practices keep me connected to my instincts and my true center. What rituals do you need to put in place to do that for yourself? What is your definition of balance?